Excuses Lost January 15, 2011

Excuses Lost

Saturday January 15, 2011

For the last few days I pumped myself up for the warmer temps to arrive on the weekend and most of next week. We had a cold snap here in the south and just before that cold hit I finally began running again. During the very cold days I choose not to run, but I knew Saturday was going to be warmer and I was ready.

That was until I woke up. Although, still determined to run at some point, I had one excuse after another of why I should just wait until the next day.

This is how those thoughts played out in my mind;

Ugh, I slept in until nearly 8:00 a.m,
Well, I deserved it, I worked all day and night

I need to figure out my day, will I have time to run, I really need my hair done. Hmm, my body really hurts today, I wonder why?
Probably because you haven’t been running, it’s screaming for movement. Take a hot Epsom Salt bath before going, your muscles will be all warmed up.

Maybe I should wait until after ten, then I can call and make my hair appointment before going out.
You bring your phone with you anyway, call for your appointment on a walk break.

Okay, finally ready. Ohhhhh, am I going to be too cold or too hot, I don’t like running in the cold I can’t breathe good enough.
Just get out the door and go, give yourself ten minutes to warm up.

Out, YES!

Start off walking, take it slow. Oh no, I really don’t have to go to the bathroom already, I’m only two houses away.
You think too much. Don’t you want to wear a black dress one day in a little size?
Get your butt movin!.

And so I did.

That was a true scenario of thoughts before I finally set foot out the door for a morning run. The stronger side won. It could have gone the other way, had I given in, to the excuses, which were very good ones I might add.

Often times, excuses are used too freely and accepted too willingly.

Our minds are incredible.
Let success begin, one day at a time, by putting one thought in front of the other.

Have a great day!
Love, Me!

I've Learned...

Good morning, everyone! Have you ever thought that your brain couldn't possibly hold one more piece of knowledge, that you must already have all of the common sense possible in your lifetime, that your heart is so full of love that it couldn't possibly hold more, or that ahhh, you are finally at a wonderful stage in your life that it couldn't get any better?

Have you ever felt, brain fry, common sense escapee and of course wondering how to deal with a new challenge that came to you unexpectedly?

I've learned that as long as we are here on earth moving about, we will most definitely continue to fill our minds with knowledge and our hearts will pour out love toshare with others always.

I've learned that if we stand up straight and be strong in our thoughts, we will succeed in all we set out to do and that challenges are a gift to make us stronger and wiser.

  I've learned that no matter what the circumstances are, I will always hold onto hope for a better tomorrow.

I've learned to appreciate all walks of life. 

I've learned that being kind is a wonderful thing.

I've learned that accepting a helping hand is okay and that offering one is awesome.

I've learned how to move on each day after losing my very best friend in the world at a really young age,  I hold my head up high, sometimes while blinking back tears, but I've learned that memories are held dear and nobody can ever take them away.

  I've learned that I can make new friends.

I've learned that after the passing of a loved one we can make a difference in the life of another in his or her memory, that sometimes we are inspired by that person who passed onto heaven.

I've learned that children can take your mind off of a lot and almost always can make us laugh, I've learned it's important to laugh everyday.

   This week of February 15th to 20th in 2009, was the last week Bill was physically living in our home here in Myrtle Beach, we spent the next thirty days last year living in hospital rooms together.  While there, I learned more than I ever thought I could.  I learned that love did grow stronger, that more friendships were being formed, I learned how to decorate a hospital room and stay positive and laugh when my husband would make funny comments, I learned it was most important to be back in the room at night to watch Millionaire and Two and a Half Men with him.

I've learned that no matter what a day brings to us in our lives here on earth, we must make the best of every minute.

I also want to let all of you know, when I send my four separate emails out to be sure to include the near 250 friends and family, that as I click on each of your names I think of you, I know that sometimes you may be having a time in that isn't up to par, so to speak, and I also know that you very well could be having a fantastic time celebrating a new birth, a wedding, a new pregnancy announced, that you accomplished a goal big or small, or some other exciting time.  I am here for all of you and I've learned that you are all here for me.  Thank you, I appreciate you.

My wish is that your lives are filled with love and you are successful in all you set out to do.

Love your friend
Joanne/mom/nana

PS  I've also learned that people really do with big money in the lottery!  When it's my turn I'll think of all of you then too.  :)

Seasons

Our lives often represent seasons because they change, just as winter into spring and so on.

Usually we go about our business and gradually accept the changes of the seasons as they come and go quickly. The days become longer, then they become shorter again, one calendar page after another, year after year.

Every once in awhile, however, depending on where we live, we may experience a record season of extreme heat, ice storms, mega snow falls, or a drought.  Sometimes it's hard for us to become accustomed to the major changes of that season. But we do.

We have what it takes, mentally and physically, to make the adjustments.

In our lives changes occur. We accept the changes, make adjustments and find a new way to move on.  Those changes are often times for a better way. We may have felt we were caught in a tunnel that seemed to have a boulder at the end of it, and felt as though we could never push through. Just when we are exhausted from trying, a light in the tunnel shines through a crack and we are redirected to a new way.

Two years ago today at approximately 4 p.m., my husband and I were told to see a specialist for, what was to us at the time, a foreign description of a disease - swollen lymph nodes. 

Two years ago today, the tunnel I found myself in was narrow and very dark. But it didn't last very long. God knew we needed to see a glimmer of light through the cracks that seemed to us as being sealed.  

Bill and I promised we would be strong for each other.  And we were. New doors were opening and shining light through every day.  And yes, again I say, Bill was needed in heaven for whatever reason we do not know. But I do know that I am thankful for the ability to search with eyes opened wide for the next small crack and will push through until the light becomes, oh, so bright.

Today, my daughter Christina is making a move back to Pennsylvania.  Her time spent here was short but, my goodness, it was without a doubt a positive step in her life. I am very glad to know that she sees light in the cracks. Doors will open wide for her, too.

Incredible how we are able to adjust to new beginnings. So very cool, to be honest. 

May you have a wonderful day. If you happen to be experiencing extreme, unseasonable happenings in your life, I wish for you to open your eyes wide, see the light, then take a deep breath of new air and push that next door open.  That's what I do!  :)

Love and happiness to all
Joanne/Mom/Nana

 

Reflections

Yesterday, good friends of mine became grandparents.  These friends were Bill's friends first, all the way back from college days. Pam, Tony and Billy were best of friends.

Tony called this morning hoping to be the first to tell me of their new little granddaughter, not knowing I had been texting back and forth with Pam all day.  I answered the phone with,  CONGRATULATIONS! Tony replied,  "Oh, I thought I was going to tell you the news first."  "Haha. It's all over facebook, email and text messaging,"  I said.  The baby is a blessing. Tony shared a reflection he had while in the waiting room. He was brought back, in his minds eye, to the day his daughter was born; he recalled it vividly and spoke calming, telling me about the day Jenny, the now new mother, was born.  I actually could picture them in my mind. Tears trickled down my face as I listened to the brief story of their joyous occasion unfold, as if it was happening all over again.

I am sitting here in the back room of my home, wearing a very old TR North Football sweatshirt with COACH on the sleeve.  One day a long time ago, Bill gave me this shirt.  jWhen I would need something warm to wear, often times the warmest of sweatshirts were not mine. Each time a shirt got a new stain on it from me, I would get "the look."  Finally he gave this one to me. Personally, I do believe he just outgrew it. 

Most of you were a part of our lives and all of you are still a part of my life.  For nearly a year and a half I sent many hopeful, positive updates on Bill's healing progress. The month we are in now is especially dear to me. It was during this month and the beginning of next month, one year ago, when we had company and/or visitors for five weeks straight.  A wonderful time. 

Reflections. 

Even though it was a time in Bill's life that portrayed a thin man, weakening by the day, it was also a time of overflowing love and care. And it was a time for him to keep pushing forward.  The man smiled everyday and he still made me laugh. 

I was just remembering a day I was helping him into the bathtub. I knelt on the floor and washed his back and put warm water over his head. One particular day he looked and me and said, "I owe you one."  I replied, "You owe me more than one, buddy."  We laughed.  Then I asked, "If there is ever a time that I am sick will you do this for me?"  He replied, "I don't know."  Oh my goodness he could make me laugh on the toughest of days, just like that one. How could anyone not hold hope as their path to follow?

There is no doubt that reflections come to us from all directions.  We recall times of joy and times of sorrow. Certainly we cannot deny the fact that things have occurred in our lives.  We cannot deny the facts of the happenings in our lives but we can live in the present day we are given. We can live with hope for a better day tomorrow, no matter the challenge given yesterday.

I am doing well.  I know nothing will bring Bill back to me, to all of us.  I/we can however, reflect back on days of the past, good ones and bad, for they are the days of our lives.  They are the events that have made us who we are today.

There are days that my heart is quite heavy, I will not lie. But somehow, laughter always enters a few minutes of my day.  Either through a friend making me laugh, the kids at school just being kids or maybe another reflection, remembering Bill and one of his dry humor comments, then sharing with another one of those times.  Then I know, I am not alone and I never will be.

I hope this letter finds all of you in a place where you can reflect back on days of glory. If it finds you reflecting on days of challenge and sorrow, just know that all of life is what has made you who you are today.

God Bless

  

P.S. A little update on my running efforts: In the past five weeks I've had a few challenges like the flu, cold weather and the latest, being told I have a touch of asthma!  I was pretty much feeling defeated and devastated, afraid of not being able to run anymore.  I recalled a video I've watched many times called The Secret. In the movie, a man was told he would be a vegetable and never breathe on his own again.  He couldn't speak but he could hear, and he could think. In his mind he told himself over and over to breathe deeply.  Long story shortened, he walked out of that hospital, breathing on his own.

I was afraid to run the other day but told myself to breathe deep. I did use my inhaler before going out but had a little anxiety. I kept recalling the movie and telling myself to breathe deep in order to continue my training run.  I completed 5 miles with a good pace.  The next day, yesterday, I completed 8 more miles.

There will not be a challenge that I won't work hard to overcome.

I know that the challenge with Bill ended up taking him from this earth but he didn't give up hope and fought with the courage of a lion.  I am proud of him.

In just seven days it will be December 25, 2009, the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  Are we all ready? 

And how are all of you doing too?  Thank you so much for your cards and good wishes to me and my family this holiday and for the past nine months. I am taking this opportunity to reflect and also share a bit of the life I live now.

Yes, it has been nine months already since Bill passed away to live his life without pain.  Bill, I’m sure, has been letting everyone in heaven know the way things should be, with his dry sense of humor.  Having that memory alone can really make us laugh still.

 Kenny would say, “Come on, Bill, say something funny about my mom, you are my personal comedian.”

In the past few months I have experienced wonderful times visiting with family and friends, accomplished a goal I never thought I would which was running the San Francisco Marathon.  There have also been a few not so great times, one being the loss of two young children and their dad from the Lakewood Elementary School family, where I am employed.  Attending the services for this family was quite difficult for everyone.

I am still running and work hard at keeping fit. I smile and laugh every opportunity that is given.  Each day with the morning light, I put one foot in front of the other and move on with a little more positive attitude than the day before.

Lately, I’ve been vividly remembering last Christmas and the hope Bill and I and our families all held.  I am also recalling some things we did last year, like having Thanksgiving meal here with Taryn, Gerald, Colleen and Kevin. That was the last big meal I cooked, well, besides the hundreds of meatballs in preparation for future company. It was truly a memorable time.  The weeks prior, other family members visited, a wonderful time.  I remember decorating the tree with T & G. Bill was watching with gratitude, then he told them to come back in January to take it down, too.

We went to the movies a few times.  Bill went shopping to be sure he had gifts for me. I worked diligently on a special scrapbook of the years we spent together. Many of you shared your thoughts and photos for the book. Bill was so grateful to receive such a gift for the New Year.

As weak as he was, and both of us discouraged with the news of not being able to have the transplant, Bill still had the Christmas Spirit. Maybe others couldn’t see it but I lived it and I knew.  He loved me so much, as I did him and I am ever so thankful to have had him in my life here on earth.  To have experienced such a wonderful time of my life, is more than a lot of people have.

 I have been wondering when I would really feel ‘into’ Christmas.  I am not angry, by no means.  I think of the children at school, the extreme excitement they hold and the love they have for another. It just amazes me.  When we grow up, often times we let go of that little kid inside of us and may not continue to feel or share the love that is so abundant, given to us by our Lord above.   Imagine, if only we would allow ourselves that unique opportunity, how wonderful we would feel every day.

My heart goes out to others during this holiday season, people who might have so much grief and despair that they aren’t able to feel that special love. My heart goes out to those who may feel hope is just a word.  My heart goes out to parents who lost their children, to spouses whose loved ones have passed on, to children who lost a parent, the list goes on.

I am ready now. Christmas morning I will go to the Kirkpatricks (Colleen and Kevin’s) for breakfast and then come home to prepare a wonderful feast for dinner.  Yes, I miss my William more than I could ever express in a note, or through tears.  But as I said, I am truly thankful for what we had together, for all the care he gave me and I him, for all the laughter we shared (there sure was a lot).  I am thankful for the love of all of our children, grandchildren, siblings and parents.  I am thankful for friends who, without hesitation, offer warm hugs whenever needed, even if I don’t know it.

This Christmas I wish for all of you to have love in your hearts that is so overwhelming you have no choice but to share it with another.

God Bless you with good health, much happiness and success in the coming New 2010 Year!

Merry Christmas!

With Love from my heart to yours,

Thank you to my friends and family...

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else." - Booker T. Washington

Thank you, my family and friends, for lifting me up so often - in every thought and prayer. Based on this quote of Booker T. Washington who was a very wise and courageous man, you must feel so awesome and high by now!
For many months of you helping me, I thank you again and again.

The Streets of San Francisco - My First Marathon - What's Next?

How do I begin to tell this story without making it a hundred pages long? I have so much to share and will try hard not to bore you.

A few days before it was time to leave for San Francisco my nerves were just about frayed. I felt badly for my poor dogs and friends. Not only was I going to run my first marathon but I was flying cross country to do so – to the west coast, the streets of San Francisco! A place I had never been.

After a long travel day we arrived at our hotel. It was probably the biggest hotel I personally had ever stayed at. The lobby was just filled with people. Many were wearing the orange bracelet which told us they were Team in Training members, too.

After check-in, Colleen, Kevin and I walked around the town. We saw our names on a huge wall at Nike Town, we picked up our race day packets and our bib numbers. Oh, my goodness, I was in awe. This is it, I thought, I'm going to run a marathon. I quietly mentioned to the kids, "Bill would have loved to see all of this." The energy surrounding us kept me from becoming too emotional at that point - a good thing!

Early Saturday morning I worked hard putting music on my IPhone (technical stuff - ugh). Some of you know that the Saturday before the event I found a music CD Bill had made and never showed me. The songs all have meaning to our lives then and my new life now. Many of them are good running songs. He knew I wanted to run. I remember the time in December he was in the back room working for days on DVDs and CDs; it must been then that this CD was made – just for this day.

The weather on Saturday was absolutely perfect. We had a wonderful time as we rode a real trolley car, walked around Fisherman's Wharf, saw hundreds of barking seals on rocks and viewed Alcatraz from across the water.

Saturday evening was the wonderful inspiration dinner that is posted below.

Sunday, October 18th, 3:30 a.m., I'm wide awake. I remembered the speaker the night before saying, "If you're awake, just lay there and rest,”. Umm…Okay! LOL 4:00 a.m., I'm up!

My running clothes, shoes and even the bandaids needed to protect my feet and toes had been set on the chair since Friday afternoon (see the picture below)

I am ready. I'm ready to run my first marathon. I spoke to Bill, “This is it, Buddy. I know you are here." And I felt like I could even hear his voice saying, “You look good,” as I kept fixing my hair, shirt, and bib number, over and over again. It was just like he used to say to me, I think just to make me stop moving around so much. My son-in-law, Kevin, came by to bring me a card just from him. We hugged and cried; it was a very special card and moment. Later Colleen handed me a note on a napkin as we lined up; we cried, too and I tucked the note in my little pouch on my side to keep it with me during my run.

Our Charleston team was downstairs along with many hundreds from their chapters. Then it was Team Photo time. And then, time to take that big first step, the one out the door to the street. We walked as a group and became part of the sea of people in Union Square, many thousands of which were wearing purple and green Team in Training colors like us.

We listened to the National Anthem. And then, time to run. But wait, we're not moving. It took nearly 30 minutes for us to cross our feet over the start line, (Which means that those I texted everyone about mine and Colleen's finish times were wrong. Official time haven’t been emailed yet but it looks like my time was somewhere in the 5:40/5:50 range and Col's in the 5 hour range!, I totally had brain meltdown.)

The energy around us was electrifying. By the time I got to mile five I asked Coach Barbara to hold my things so that I could remove my long sleeve shirt. I strapped my iPhone back on but didn't turn any music on yet, the noise around us from the cheers of bystanders was all we needed.

Have you ever seen the show from years ago called, The Streets of San Francisco? Well, the hills really are that big, I used to think it was all done with cameras. Ha. Wrong. I pretty much wasn't prepared for such hills. One of them was two miles long. For most of the first half of the run teammate Lauren and I paired up to encourage each other. Colleen was way ahead of me. I had told her not to hold back. After all, this was number five marathon for her and she was ready to beat her old time.

By about mile fifteen I was running with a group of teammates. I was the oldest, the mom. Although, those young people really took care of me.

We paced ourselves under the direction of Thomas. We had three men on our team. What troupers they were to run with all those women. I believe the average out of 20,000 runners was 10% men. Guess they enjoyed it :)

My back began to ache, right across the middle. It was strange to me. My back had not bothered me all summer. (After I got home I was told it most likely from going downhill.) My previous injuries didn't really affect me. I felt my toes burning and stopped once to be sure one of them hadn’t actually fallen off. It was still there and a blister was forming. I made a sock adjustment and didn't feel that pain anymore. I think I just became a little numb.

The weather couldn't have been more perfect for running. The views from the tops of the hills were just amazing. To see the beauty God has given us from a different place was a little overwhelming. Goosebumps formed on my arms. "No,” I told myself, "do not cry. You need your energy.”

I did get a little emotional when Kristen and I saw the mile 21 sign. I thought from a distance it said 19 and just wanted to die.

Then Kristen said, "It's 21, not 19."

YAY! How long does it take to run just 5 miles?

“An hour,” she said.

We ate pretzels from bystanders, right out of the bag. Forget worrying about germs and all of the hands that were in that bag. Those pretzels were delicious and we needed them. I was so hungry.

You can't imagine the kind people along the way. "Go, South Carolina."

We would all yell, "Woo hoo! Yeh!"

There were DJ's set up along the course, playing music loudly. At one point that song, 'Tonight's Going To Be a Good Night' came on and we began to dance while running. Such fun.

Finally it was time to put my tunes on. I didn't wear headphones; I let the speaker work so that everyone around me could stay pumped up, too. I explained here and there about some of the songs playing and how Bill's special CD was a part of my running music.

Mile 24, Kristen was still with me. She wouldn't let me quit. My back was aching so badly at this point. We stopped and stretched.

I said, "I don't like this running game anymore." I reached back and patted Bill's picture and said, "come on, push me, please. I don't think I can run anymore.” My feet felt like bricks on the ends of wooden legs.

"How long does it take to run just 2 miles?" I asked.

"An hour" Kristen said. We laughed.

She grabbed my hand. With a huge smile and excitement she just kept saying, "We are going to do this, we are going to cross that finish line."

The finish line was in our view. I said, "Lets walk a little more then run over it."

"No, come on. " Kristen grabbed my hand again. We became quite emotional.

We did it!

We raised our arms and smiled with pride.

Coach Barbara, now my friend, was there, too. We hugged and cried.

I received my silver necklace from Tiffany & Co. given to me by a SF Fireman dressed in a tuxedo. Someone gave me a space blanket to wrap up in to keep warm because we were instantly freezing cold.

Then Colleen and Kevin came over to me and I lost it again. Everyone told me that Bill was so proud. I know he was smiling.

We sat down and ate the most delicious bag of chips. I even ate a little peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

I took off my purple TNT singlet, flipped it over to look at Bill's picture, I touched his face, said, “Thank you,” and cried very hard. That was the last of my marathon tears.

My story is not just about running my first marathon. Not only have I become part of an organization to make a huge difference in the lives of others, but I have taken giant leaps in the healing process of losing my husband and best friend.

I highly recommend anyone to run a marathon or a half or just be a part of it on the sidelines. You will, no doubt, like me, be on a high that you won't want to come down from. I have also made great new friends.

Many of you have been following a lot of my life stories. From the time I met Bill more than ten years ago, to my Diary of a Soldiers Mom when Kenny was in Iraq. You followed the story of hope during our challenge of Bill's diagnosis and then his death, my letters to heaven and my training experience to be capable of running 26.2 miles.

Now I wonder what plan is to unfold for me next. What does the future hold? We never know.

Live your life with hope, courage and love for another.
Keep your passion, it's what keeps us alive and well.

Thank you for helping me raise over fourteen million dollars from this past event.

Yes, I will run again. Yes, my body can go through the grueling training for a marathon. I can do anything I set my mind to. And so can you.

I do plan on paying more attention to volunteer efforts. My next run will be the Myrtle Beach half marathon. It, too, will be bitter sweet, as it's the time of year just before Bill went to the hospital for his last thirty days. I will be running with Wes (Bill's son and buddy), along with Colleen, Kevin, a former co-worker Tom from NJ, my friend Tammy, and hopefully more co-workers, as well as more Team in Training members/friends.

With Love & Gratitude for all my family, friends & my life,
Joanne/mom
PS Colleen told me that after a few big hills her knees were hurting so bad, she was afraid to stop and stretch for fear she wouldn't be able to start again. She said to Bill, "Mom doesn't need you right now, I do. My knees are hurting so badly and I don't know what to do." She closed her eyes for a few seconds, opened them and noticed a Stop sign in her view. She said, "Okay, I'll stop and stretch."